Dear Misery

Lately, it keeps bothering me. And I know dwelling on it after all these years will do nothing for me. But I have to say it, as it as I felt it and feel it now. The hardest part of it all is these moments that hurt me exponentially aren't even a twinkle in your memories.

Where do I even begin? The band is supposed to be one big happy family. Accepting even the weirdest, right? In middle school, I was told to wear less black. More color. High school was great and slowly fell apart. The way the best things do I suppose.

The two of you had a rocky marriage.

Daughters in the band.

Hard to keep personal and private separate huh?

Yet no one ever criticized you.

But man, when I stepped into the leadership? Boy, it was so clear just how much I didn't belong. The way all of you berated me for my relationship. None of you were my friends. None of you were friends to me. Oh, and you two, said you didn't know they were going to corner and interrogate us? You're just as bad because you never stuck up for us.

Constantly criticizing me while also dangling the fact I had "big shoes to fill." Honestly, the best thing you did for me was to send me to that leadership camp. Not to mention the way you kept losing the checks my mum wrote.

Do you even understand how over the moon I was? Me. The wallflower. The outcast. The never picked for anything gloomy girl was suddenly front, center, and face of the band.

Yeah.

I should have practiced more.

But I was also 16, and we can't all be naturals.

But what really kicks me in the gut was after. All of you. Ruthlessly asking me questions that had nothing to do with leadership. That's all you cared about. Full of spite over plastic. The was you, the only adult in the room, who didn't even defend me. Let me be eaten alive by my own classmates.

AND THEN.

On the day of officer interviews... you could only say how depressing my essay was. Fault or blame never on you but me, because that's what your leadership was right? Taking the fall.

I wonder if you, any of you, stopped to wonder and asked yourselves, "Did I do this?" All of you make me so angry. I'm so angry at how bitter I am still ten years later.

Who gives a fuck about all those awards? Plastic that is most definitely in the bin after all these years.

I wanted to quit. My senior year I wanted to say fuck all of you and be done. But I am proud. I refused to let you win. Sadly, even after pushing through so desperately... You still fucking won.

This is me not being the bigger person for once in my life. I deserved better than anything any of you assholes put me through. I'm angry that all of those good and happy times I had are now overshadowed by your shitty failure. You failed me. Every single one of you.